It's a new year, and with it comes new intentions to occasionally try new things.
The last time I had tried a cup of coffee was probably 30 years ago. It was hotel room coffee and it was so, so terrible. Maybe I had made it wrongly, who knows, but it was the liquid version of gonorrhea. I never had any intention of trying again, but I know so many people who take so much joy in their cups of coffee that I told my kids the other day that I would try coffee again.
New years' morning, 7:30am. My wife and I were staying at a moderately upscale hotel and I walked down to the lobby where breakfast was being served and noticed that two kinds of coffee were available: regular and robust. I thought that perhaps robust was a bit too far for my virgin mouth, so I went with the regular. I took it back to my room, armed with a handful of cream and sugar packets, and was determined to give it an honest try. My wife (who does not drink coffee, either) had finally woken up, saw what I was doing, and gave a skeptical look.
So I took a first sip and SWEET FANCY MOSES THAT IS AWFUL JUST KILL ME NOW and I spit it back into the cup. There's bitter, there's rancid, and then there's coffee.
So I added a packet of creamer and stirred it up and AAUUGGHH THAT TASTES LIKE WHAT THE SPANISH INQUISITION MUST HAVE FELT LIKE and spit it out again. How on earth, do people drink this?
Finally I added a couple of packets of sugar and stirred it up and HELP I AM DYING OVER HERE and my wife snickered at me and I went to the sink and dumped out the cup. I think it took almost an entire box of mints to get that taste out of my mouth and even though I probably only swallowed about 3mL my bowels have not been good since.
I am guessing that coffee is not for me. In truth, it shouldn't be for anyone except for those whom we are trying to extract state secrets out of, but at least I know that now for certain.
