We don't have cable TV, but anytime during December in which we are near a TV with cable my wife is looking for the Hallmark Christmas movie channel. She loves those things more than she loves me, I think...so maybe my goal in 2019 is to write a script for one of those movies. So, here's a bingo sheet for all the elements I need to produce a truly 'good' movie.
Column 1: C
-At least one 8-10 year old child who is the voice of reason and moves the inevitable romance forward
-An entire village filled with piles of obvious fake snow on the ground
-Perfectly crafted Christmas decorations and lights and JCrew wardrobes throughout the town
-(second hour) The man or the woman of the inevitable couple get into an argument that we fearfully believe will derail their romance
-A silly misunderstanding whereby the man or the woman of the inevitable couple thinks that the inevitable partner-to-be is involved with what turns out to be a cousin, sister of a dead spouse, or a lifelong friend who is gay (but of course this can't be mentioned because it's a Hallmark movie)
Column 2: H
-CGI'd snow falling as the sun continues to shine
-Heroine of the story is dealing with professional struggles in her life
-Introduction of wrench character, aka potential mate for lead man or woman characters who themselves is troubled and surely NOT RIGHT for them
-Folksy main setting of an art gallery, local bookshop, or village Christmas display
-Scene of phone call from heroine to a parent in which said parent expresses fear that said heroine is ruining her life by only seeking success rather than love
Column 3: E
-Scene in which heroine returns to her hometown for first time in a decade but quickly runs across old friend for whom nothing has changed in that decade
-Meeting of secondary characters that will also bloom into romance
-(Middle square, free) Heroine of the story is a solid 8
-Slight problem with set props in which green grass/trees are seen to be slightly uncovered from the fake snow
-Though the whole story of the romance takes place within 3 days, female heroine has at least 7 costume changes
Column 4: Z
-No appearance in the movie of any chain store
-Male inevitable prince charming goes through a period where he might very well be a complete jerk
-Introduction of minority character in an otherwise WASPy town as best friend, co-worker, or wise elder
-Retelling of backstory in which the man or woman of the inevitable couple speak of a tragic loss of parent, spouse, or dream
-Realization that falling snow never collects on jacket or in the hair of those who are outside
Column 5: Y
-Cars throughout the movie that are always in a winter wonderland appear to be freshly washed in each scene
-Introduction of wise elder of happy town who is considered the unofficial mayor and guiding force
-Final scene at a Christmas party or a town celebration in which the inevitable couple kisses and presumably lets us know they are Happily Ever After
-Man or woman of inevitable couple have opportunity to live somewhere else that will ultimately not be taken
-Every child within the story is well-behaved, clean-cut, and earnest
