Two more, that's it.

I am in day 11 of my back issues.  Most everyday it gets a little bit better, to the point that I can't complain...some have far worse issues.  But there's two lessons worth mentioning. 

First, it's informative to see how people who have their own occasional back issues react very differently than those without.  If somebody has back problems, they look at me with a sense of concern and empathy.  "Oh, yeah, I know...awful...what can I do to help."  If somebody has not had back problems, the concern usually is (like my wife's), "You bent over?  And your back seized up?  I don't get it."  Exactly...you don't get it.  And their advice of 'go to a chiropractor!' or 'take a muscle relaxer' doesn't do much for me.

The second lesson, though, is more real.  Since this began, whether I was in my agony state or now just in my irritated state (and the painful and sore states in between), most every movement I take requires intentionality.  Will it hurt if I lean over this way?  How much will it hurt if I pick up that box?  Is it worth it to do this?   Will taking that step on my bus cause me a back spasm? 

How much I am paying attention to my actions is important, because in many other actions I think nothing at all.  Will this activity take time from my kids or my wife?  Will it lead me into sin?  Is this something that glorifies God?  In so many aspects of life we don't take time to really think about what our regular, routine actions are going to do.  And that can't really be good, can it?  Spiritual health is not just sinning and repenting; it is also about living the best kind of life, an intentional kind of existence in almost everything we do.  I should know this, after all...but so easily I forget, but I am thankful for the reminder (though I wish it wasn't so painful!)

Day Five, The End

This will be my last post on my navel-gazing (or lower back-gazing) posts about my back.  I promise this to future me, that I'll never have to read about this again.  I hope.

I drove my school bus for the first time this morning after being off the past two days.  It wasn't too terrible...I was more concerned about the pre-trip than anything, with all the moving around, looking under the bus, opening hatches, etc.  But that was managable.  The driving itself wasn't too horrible at first...but then there are my terrible bumpy roads.  When it was totally washboardy, it really wasn't bad because I used my left foot on the floor to brace for the vibrations that would shoot through my back.  It was the uneven bumps, both in town and out in the country, though, that really started to give me problems, to the point that by the end I was getting really tired and sore. 

I worried they might have to scrape me out of the drivers' seat with a spatula, but getting up and moving about was not too much of a problem.  I finally staggered back into the bus barn, relieved that I got through it and was able to get all the kids to school safely.  That's the most important thing...I was actually a few minutes late getting back because I took it more easily (not to mention the train stopping as I entered town), but that was OK.  Tonight should be better as the route is a bit shorter and should be quicker as well without quite as many students. 

In a way, today was a test.  If I can get through these things, then I'll be OK eventually.  I should probably go back and lay down for awhile before the afternoon route, but I'm just that the Lord got my through today. 

Day Four

It's amazing how something as a few muscle spasms can control your entire life.  I'm on my fourth day of this, and it controls almost everything that I do.  Either I am a complete wuss, or I am learning that when people have problems that are chronic, I need to be much more sympathetic.  Probably a combination of both.

I think I figured out the whole bowel thing...why am I having to poop little poops all the time?  I have been putting icey hot on my lower back, a menthol cream that helps to relax the muscles somewhat.  But I think it is also having the effect of loosening the bowels that are right past the skin and outward muscles.  If the skin and muscles (thin as they are, I need to get stronger there!) are loosening, then instead of my lower digestive/waste track building stuff up and then holding tight for one good poop in a day, then it's being loose and relaxed and shooting stuff through at a much faster rate, thus necessitating that I poop 4-6 times a day. 

I went by and talked to my bus supervisors this morning and they were awesome about my condition, but I will try and get back to driving tomorrow.  We have several other drivers with constant issues who gut it out and drive almost everyday...can I not do the same?  They didn't say that, I did...but I know that I am important enough out there that they need me to come back.  So in a bit I will crawl back into bed for most of the rest of the day, and hopefully my back will continue to heal. 

I am also trying to get some office work done for sermons, because Bible classes and sermons still come around every week.  I have no idea whether any of the work I am doing right now is really good, but it is getting done, and that's 90% of the job at this point.  May God forgive me for some of the junk I am probably getting out of my studies.  His word is perfect...my studies of it are not, affected as they are by the condition of my earthly vessel. 

If Saturday was excruciating, and Sunday was painful, and yesterday was agonizing turning into painful, then today is just painful with a tendency towards uncomfortable.  I suppose this is progress? 

Day Three

Today the kids had the day off from school for an inservice day, but my daughter was having a track meet and I was going to be one of the drivers.  But it became very apparent after getting up that I was in no condition to drive.  Yesterday I must have pushed it a little bit too hard, because the spasms of Saturday started to kick in throughout the morning, so I called my supervisor and told her that I couldn't do it...it just was not safe for me to drive.  I also told her that tomrrow morning she had better find somebody as well. 

I did try going to the office, but that was too much for me and so I came home within an hour.  By late morning the spasms were getting worse, and so after lunch I deicided to crawl back into bed, where I've been for much of the rest of the day, except for when I've had to get up and pee and poop.  Oh, about that...the spasms also have the effect of loosening my bowels, and I've had to sit on the toilet 5 times today.  Even if just tiny poops come out, they still have to come out.  This just keeps getting better and better. 

I really don't get too excited about old age...when I see myself in the mirror walking like an old person, I wonder about them: do they walk like that just because they are slow, or because their backs are in constant torment?  I gave my wife permission the other night to smother me if I ever get to the point that I never get better someday when I get old. 

Maybe tomorrow I"ll go back to just being sore...I can live with that.

Day Two

If yesterday was excruciating, today has been merely painful with a few smatterings of agony.  At 4:30pm yesterday I had called one of our members and told him to be ready, that I might not be able to preach today.  Most of the day yesterday was spent in various positions of desperation upon the bed or on the couch.  At one point my wife was outside and I needed to pee, and as I was making the 15 foot shuffle between bed and bathroom, the spasms of pain brought me to my knees and eventually flat upon the floor.  Eventually, with some help, I was finally able to make it to the bathroom.  Last night I slept not too terribly bad, most of the night on my back (I'm usually a side sleeper), but got up at 3:30 to pee and needed help getting there. 

Upon getting up at 7, I stretched my legs and back in bed as well as I could do for 20 minutes, before finally getting up.  The first 20 minutes up were not fun at all, but after a hot shower I felt pretty good and decided that today I would preach.  I managed to make it through the service with only a few spasms of pain, though by the time I got home this afternoon I thought it was time to sit in a hard chair for awhile. 

Tomorrow I am driving a track trip for my daughter's school team...I am guessing that by tomorrow we will be somewhere between the painful and the annoying level, which means that I can probably go.  It is not the best thing for my back, but somehow I'll muddle through this. 

It hit me this as I was preaching today that my sermon was about what I had been experiencing.  In Luke 8:22-25 the disciples are going through a terrible storm, thinking they will die, and Jesus calms things with a rebuke and he turns and says to them, 'Where is your faith?'  Indeed, where was my faith in all these things?  Yes, I know that times it's painful and even agonizing, but do I keep my trust in all these things?  Today we saw another horrific event, the bombing of churches and hundreds killed in Sri Lanka, on the other side of the planet...do we continue to keep faith? 

I am grateful that my back issues are not chronic.  I especially feel for those who suffer with these things on a daily basis; going through these things makes me much more sympathetic towards those think they need medicinal marijuana and those who fall victime to opiods.  I choose not to take anything much stronger than aleve, but would I if this was something that lasted more than a few days?  Would I become that desperate? 

Thankfully, the Lord is providing for me in these painful moments.  But do I have faith to endure? 

Another View of Hell

Yesterday our family went on a crystal digging expedition and as the dad I did a lot of the digging.  Today I woke up and was a bit sore...but when I went to lean over outside my back seized up.  I came back into the house and stumbled back into bed.  My wife put some icyhot on me, and I took some advil, and then an hour later I needed to poop.  My wife was gone to the store so I had no help getting out of bed...10 excruciating minutes later, I made it to the toilet but some poop (of one of the biggest poops of my life, BTW) ended up in my underwear.  The mess I made in my rear end needed a shower...which took another 10 excruciating minutes to finally begin.  I got through the shower (hot water on my back helped) and then got out and took some alleve, which I should have taken to begin with, and now though I feel lousy I can at least move around without wanting to fall on the floor and roll up into a ball and cry. 

A few years ago I had an experience in which I had a stomach flu hit me in the middle of the night and had awful things coming out from multiple orifices.  At the time I thought that was hell, and maybe this has been in that same category.  When you are writhing in pain in your bathroom, covered with feces, knowing that every movement you make is going to be worse than the one before, isn't that a scene of what hell might look like?  I only had the worst of this for a few hours...can you imagine eternity like this? 

I am hoping that my alleve will hold me through the afternoon, and that maybe some more stretching will be helpful.  Tomorrow is Easter, where we proclaim the good news of the resurrection, the hope and the peace that comes out of chaos.  Well, I need to believe this truth, that God is going to restore and redeem me in the worst moments of my physical life.