Pre-Grieving

"Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble." - Matthew 6:34 ESV

At the end of this calendar year I will re-purpose (OK, retire) away from full-time preaching.  In less than three weeks my youngest child will be heading off to college.  I fully expect a call in the next few months that one of my aged, increasingly frail parents will have fallen or have had some kind of medical emergency or have even passed away in their sleep.  And I am increasingly convinced that this year, the 250 year anniversary of the Grand Republic, may be one of its last.  

I've still got a few months to preach.  I am trying to enjoy my son before he abandons us to become a College Man.  I am grateful my parents are still living, and maybe I'm completely wrong about our nation's future, that Dimwit Donnie is just a blip in our nation's history before we finally wake up and realize the damage he and his minions are doing.  

But this year has been one that, if somebody someday decides to write my autobiography, will be titled 'The Year of Pre-Grieving'.  Even as our Lord has told us to not be anxious about what is coming, that each day has enough garbage in it, I'm already starting to deal with the struggles that I know will be coming soon.  

The classic five stages of grief are usually defined by denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. And so given that this summer has found me a bit sad quite often, I wonder if I've already been jumping the gun on the grieving that I will be doing for all of these things.  I've been truly angry about where our country is going.  Part of me is in a kind of self-denial that come the end of December I won't be standing before a captive audience several times a week.  Have I bargained a little bit about my son leaving, questioning whether he really wants to major in what he has said or wondering whether or not he'll really like it there and transfer back to somewhere closer within a year?  Am I even accepting that my parents will die having lived a good old age, since I have seen so many others do much the same thing through my years of working with elderly people?  

I suppose that my purpose in writing this today is to deal with some of the depression I've been facing.  I don't know that it's clinical, and I know that it's not debilitating.  Throughout life I've found certain little coping mechanisms; as a younger man I had a punching bag and a pair of gloves that allowed me to take out my frustrations; in recent years I have rediscovered video games, mostly driving and puzzle games that I can pop into for 20-30 minutes at a time.  But in recent weeks I've found how much I love an early morning walk where I get to clear my head and get ready for the day.  Most mornings I walk around 45 minutes through the streets of our town.  I see some of my neighbors doing much the same; do they struggle with their own sense of the future?  

Perhaps starting to cope with the things that are going to come will be of benefit to me.  Like checking in to an appointment or a flight the day before, pre-grieving has this way of watering down the annoyances of grief that are to come.  I've never been much of a procrastinator, as I try to get stuff done ahead of time...and maybe that's what I'm doing with the future griefs that are certain to come.  Who knows whether or not this is a good idea, but it's what I do.  

You CAN Fight City Hall (and their quasi-official subcontractors)

I accept that there are expenses of living in this modern life.  A toll on a turnpike that means it stays maintained?  OK.  A tax levy in our school district to make sure the buildings are secure?  Fine.  

And so I wasn't all that bothered when we were in downtown Kansas City the other night for a soccer game and saw that we would be paying a parking fee.  It was at 16th & Main, right along the tramway that would take us (for free) to the game.  I got a spot right in front of a payment kiosk; $9.25 to get us through the evening on a Friday night?  Whatever.  It's a tenth of the cost of the same spot in New York City.  

So we come back from the game and there's a ticket on the car.  I get back to my in-laws and look up the information (the ticket is nothing more than a 9-digit number and a QR code) and find that the ticket was issued at 5:48pm...6 MINUTES after I had parked the car.  Yep, there's a photo of our license plate and the spot in the broad daylight where I had parked.  Luckily I had saved the text that served as a copy of my reciept, so I emailed the information (kiosk number, tag number, time, etc.).  What followed Saturday morning was a series of emails between me and an AI server.  First, they couldn't find the information of our payment.  Second, they couldn't read the screenshots I had sent them proving we had paid.  After about a half-dozen back and forths I gave up, deciding to wait until Monday when real live human beings might be back on duty.  

So today was that Monday, and I once again started up and got what might have been a real person who continued to say that nothing had been paid.  Eventually, after a few more emails, it started to become clear that the kiosk that was three feet from my car was not actually the kiosk for that lot, which was a private lot.  Rather, it was the kiosk for anybody foolish enough to park on the street (and so be in danger of getting hit by the streetcars or other traffic).  On some level the agent for the private company I was dealing with that handles tickets on this lot saw the problem, and he/she/it bumped us down from $79.25 to $31.25.  That was something, I guess, but I am the angry consumer, and I decided to keep going.  

I went onto Google maps and found a street view shot of exactly where I'd been.  In that photo there was a white Toyota truck, and three feet away, a kiosk that had in huge letters PAY HERE.  I finally had the smoking gun. "Do you see where the white toyota truck is in this image from google maps?  That's where I parked.  And see the brown parking meter right in front of the truck?  That's where I paid."  Evidently they realized just how unjust this was, and email #19 finally came back and said that they were dismissing this ticket.  I fought the law (private company edition) and actually won!  In this life there are little victories we have to celebrate, and though I likely spent more than $79 of my time on this inconvenience, I'll take it.  I closed by thanking the nameless person who helped and then gave the advice that they really needed to look into this problem, because I'm not the first person on Google reviews who has had this problem.  

Maybe it's not the most inspirational story (my son wasn't as enthused as I was), but in these days in which Trump makes everything turn to garbage, it's nice having some good news.  

Waiting for a Star to Fall, annotated.

June, 1988.  I was finishing high school and getting ready to go to college.  Looking back, I'm guessing that like most middle-aged people, this time of transition was my musical apex, and part of that glory involved this ever-wholesome pop duo called 'Boy Meets Girl'.  They were a married couple during this time, and after having written a few songs for Whitney Houston and others they decided to sing this themselves.  Maybe it doesn't get the radio play it did almost four decades ago, but the earbug quality of this song and having come across it recently on YouTube means that I am compelled to write a reaction to the video.  Let's go.  

0:01 A sepia-toned giant bubble flying through the air?  Heck yeah. 

0:21 After running through the ocean waves, you'd think you'd be refreshed, but no.  Shannon throws a bucket of water on George, because maybe he's dehydrated?  

0:27 Now Shannon's pushing George into the ocean.  Now we got something here...is twice in less than ten seconds we see how much she really wants him to drink that water. Or maybe something more sinister...

0:32 True fact, the little blonde girl was their daughter.  

0:36 "I hear your name whispered on the wind, it's a sound that makes me cry."  Not sure where this is going, but two attempted drownings, maybe that's the reason he's crying when he thinks of her name.  Does betterhelp do couples therapy?  

0:46 "I hear a song blow again and again through my mind, and I don't know why."  Yeah, that's the earbug of this song.  Not sure why it's come back to me after 38 years, either.

1:03 "Trying to catch your heart is like trying to catch a star."  This is a fun, happy, perky little pop song with some lyrics that make us think George and Shannon really didn't quite get each other.  Couples really do struggle to have that connection, even when they sit around the piano and sing.  

1:10 "So many people love you, baby...that must be what you are."  Wait, is she having an affair????

1:19 Is it just me or does he look kinda like Michael Bolton back when he had hair?  And she's got a real Amy Grant vibe about her (but far more awkward when she's trying to dance).  

1:39 I remember when I was maybe 9 I asked for a Polaroid camera for my birthday...I loved that thing, and the package came with a cartridge of 10 pictures.  I took them all within a week...I remember a picture of my grandpa Church walking through the hallway of our old house, and another picture of my other grandparents sitting on a sofa.  There's another incredible picture somewhere of me in a yellow shirt in front of a birthday cake, as well as one of the few times I ever saw my parents kiss each other.  Good times.  Anyway, I used the whole cartridge and then asked for another and found out that a cartridge cost TEN DOLLARS.  This was almost a half-century ago, and I was 9.  Where on earth was I going to get TEN DOLLARS in 1979?  I probably only used that camera a couple more times over the years before it disapperared forever.  Polaroid was truly ahead of their times when it comes to tech...sell a good product, and then basically charge an outrageous subscription fee in order to keep using the product.  

1:44 "I've learned to feel what I cannot see but with you I lose that vision.  I don't know how to dream your dream so I'm all caught up in a superstition."  Man, this dude is really questioning his relationship.  Get these people help, stat!  

1:59 "I want to reach out and pull you to me; who says that I should let a wild horse go free?"  Yep.  This song is about her having an affair.  

2:47 After watching half a minute of a home video set in happier days, we come to the bridge.  Nothing says a late 80s song like a bridge.  

2:55 The bridge about waiting really does speak of love that's difficult...he'll continue to wait for her to come back, no matter long long it is.  I was reading from the book of Hosea recently where the prophet is told to go and woo back his wife Gomer after a time in which she had a been a prostitute.  It's a statement of God's love for his people that, no matter how long it takes, he'll be there to take us back.  Maybe this is a Christian song?  

3:09 Mark #2 of a late 80s song is a really strong and loud sax solo.  Love it.

3:17 If their little girl had ridden a bike in a house, mom would have been so ticked.  But since mom's got all the power in this relationship, no problem then? 

3:24 I guess George is trying to drown himself now?  

3:29 So, I guess it was worth it to literally air the dirty laundry about a dysfunctional relationship if they made it to  #5 on the pop charts.

4:05 One more time with the water.  He's in trouble.  

4:10 "I don't know, officer.  Several times it seems like she was trying to drown me, and then this morning I woke up on the beach as the tide was rushing in.  I thought maybe she had left me here to die, but then I remembered I could get up and run, and so I outran the tide.  Unfortunately, I made it to shore and she was standing there, looking at me."  

I really do love this song.  But it's a lot darker than I remember.