Then David slept with his fathers and was buried in the city of David. And the time that David reigned over Israel was forty years. He reigned seven years in Hebron and thirty-three years in Jerusalem. So Solomon sat on the throne of David his father, and his kingdom was firmly established. Then Adonijah the son of Haggith came to Bathsheba the mother of Solomon. And she said, "Do you come peacefully?" He said, "Peacefully." Then he said, "I have something to say to you." She said, "Speak." He said, "You know that the kingdom was mine, and that all Israel fully expected me to reign. However, the kingdom has turned about and become my brother's, for it was his from the LORD. And now I have one request to make of you; do not refuse me." She said to him, "Speak." And he said, "Please ask King Solomon--he will not refuse you--to give me Abishag the Shunammite as my wife." Bathsheba said, "Very well; I will speak for you to the king." So Bathsheba went to King Solomon to speak to him on behalf of Adonijah. And the king rose to meet her and bowed down to her. Then he sat on his throne and had a seat brought for the king's mother, and she sat on his right. Then she said, "I have one small request to make of you; do not refuse me." And the king said to her, "Make your request, my mother, for I will not refuse you." She said, "Let Abishag the Shunammite be given to Adonijah your brother as his wife." King Solomon answered his mother, "And why do you ask Abishag the Shunammite for Adonijah? Ask for him the kingdom also, for he is my older brother, and on his side are Abiathar the priest and Joab the son of Zeruiah." Then King Solomon swore by the LORD, saying, "God do so to me and more also if this word does not cost Adonijah his life! Now therefore as the LORD lives, who has established me and placed me on the throne of David my father, and who has made me a house, as he promised, Adonijah shall be put to death today." So King Solomon sent Benaiah the son of Jehoiada, and he struck him down, and he died. -1 Kings 2:10-25 ESV
Abishag the Shunammite found herself at a crossroads. Having seen out the end of her great lord the King, she wondered where the rest of her life might go. Once upon a time she had found herself in the place of power, fully in control of the world of her lord the King. All news of the kingdom would be filtered through her, as her role as the Copier meant that his fragile heart would never have to hear about how many of his subjects prayed for his downfall. Once, he had been a great hero to many; a reality TV star, actor, slumlord, and man about town. "Perfect and majestic king, you will surely live forever! Dance with your arms alone, and make the world turn!" Now, however, his foolishness and incompetence, pushed on by his abject corruption, had turned his people against him. Sending troops to fight foolish and endless wars based on fantasies he had derived in his head, renaming bodies of water simply to troll his former allies, pilfering his citizens in financial schemes in which he alone made money...his people had had enough. And so upon his death, some of his people mourned his royal greatness, but most celebrated in the streets drinking strong ales and shooting off fireworks.
Abishag the Shunammite found herself alone. How would she provide for herself? Her once legendary beauty was starting to fade. The possibility that she would marry the son of the old King had been extinguished when that son foolishly had claimed power for himself and found himself on the wrong end of a sharp sabre upon the command of his younger brother Solomon, known to his pals as the Barron. She had thrown herself at the new upstart of a king, but sadly he preferred skanky young college girls who were willing to pay exorbitant money for well-named energy drinks.
Perhaps, Abishag the Shunammite thought, she could make her way much as her old lord had done. "O lord, your ability to bleed money from others makes me smile." A friend told her about something called a stablecoal...a perfectly worthless scheme in which she told her friends to buy, buy, buy a lump of coal engraved with a picture on it, and then charged a fee based upon everytime somebody else sold that coal to someone else. Most of her fellow Israelites realized it was all a scam, even as it had been for the old lord. But surely there were still gullible people out there. All she had to do was look for the people still holding onto the past, wearing red turbans that screamed 'Make Israel Great Again!' You could usually identify those people by seeing chariots propped up on wooden logs in front of their rundown huts, unable to actually go anywhere. Many of them sat on barren patches of ground and screamed insults against their fellow Israelites...surely, they still believed the old lies. These fools and their money should be easy pickings.
But there had to be more, Abishag the Shunammite thought. Even though she had no discernible skills beyond the ability to fawn over old men, Abishag the Shunammite would make her way. Perhaps she needed to expand her view even further outward. Surely there were old kings and tyrants amongst the nations who needed a woman like herself to fawn over them as well! Even though her looks were fading, her skills at telling shallow men the lies that they wanted to hear were as strong as ever. "Vladimir, I was a fool for not coming to you for so long. Your shirtless rides on stallions have brought me ecstatic joy. I will now serve you forever. There's nobody like you, my beautiful lord!"
Oh, the skills of Abishag the Shunammite, so ready to serve her own interests above all else! May she be praised!
